Day Two in the Land That Smiles Forgot: the National Museum

An Armenian king holding an Armenian temple underneath an Armenia flag
at the entrance of the History Museum of Armenia

My second day in Armenia, the Land That Smiles Forgot. Maybe it's the country's tragic history. Maybe it's the shame over birthing the Family Kardashian. Maybe it's me.

Outside the national museum: a bas relief of an Armenian king doing battle against either a lion or a street dog.
Can't tell which.

If it seems like I am constantly measuring Yerevan and Armenia against Tbilisi and Georgia, and finding that Armenia comes up short, it is because I am. Another example of how cold and unfriendly Yerevan is: the hotel breakfast buffet. Not a single "good morning." Not a single inquiry into whether I needed anything. Not a single word. Not a single smile. Not a single acknowledgment that I was in their working space.

Two men holding a temple. This is not photo-realism.

In Tbilisi, Georgia, and in Baku, Azerbaijan, the hotel staff constantly kept coming up to me and asking if I was enjoying my stay, and if I needed anything, or if they could get something for me, followed my a list of suggestions. And it was not just the restaurant and buffet staff! Everyone who worked at the hotel! At first, it was a little off-putting as I am naturally cynical. Then I realized: this is who they are. They are acting this way because they genuinely want me to enjoy myself and they genuinely do not want me to be lacking in anything I need. Another example: my driver on my tour around Kutaisi, Georgia, advanced the cost of 150 GEL admission (about $60 U.S.) to one of the sights on the tour because it did not take credit cards. I said I would pay him back the next day. Which I did. And I think my driver was a bit disappointed that I did because he gladly would have made that amount a gift to me, even though it was decent share of the whole cost of the tour. Tbilisi and Baku destroyed my wall of cynicism. Yerevan has built it back up in 24 hours.

Enough of that (for now). There were two items on the day's agenda, neither of which involved holding a conversation with an actual Armenian. First stop: the History Museum of Armenia, the Armenian national museum.

The collection starts in the pre-historic era, which means lots of pottery. Lots and lots of pottery.

Such as cauldrons.

This is a bronze age hearse, as evidenced by the Western USA style cattle skulls:

This is I believe a chariot. With stone wheels.

Probably rides a little rough, but at least you won't hydroplane in a rain storm.

And this is a boot you can drink out of.

This may be the first drinking shoe I've ever seen in a national museum, Apparently B.C. era Armenians had something of a shoe fetish.

We know what this.

That would be tough to lug to a WNBA game to throw out onto the court.

More shoe fetish proof.

Not one drinking shoe, but a pair of drinking shoes. Again, this is something I've never seen before in a national museum. Multiple drinking shoes.

And beneath that weird-looking object with three pipes coming out it?

Shoes.

The shoe fetish makes ordinary pottery such as this look ordinary.

This is a stone creature who looks like he came from a New Order video.

I love that video. And this -- what? -- a Stone Age conehead?

Let's consume mass quantities. Because we're from France.

Here is a metal deer.

There was a mountain scene behind it, so I photographed it to look like the deer was in the mountains. Because that's the sort of thing I do to amuse myself when I'm on vacation. And it worked. I'm amused.

A stone tablet with cuneiform writing all over it.

A wall painting taken and reconstructed from the Temple of the God Haldi:

With pottery in the foreground.

This is a statue of a man:

At first I thought: how is he going to operate that fire extinguisher without any arms. Then I saw that he did have arms. Tiny little T-Rex arms, glued to his body. Still tough for him to operate the fire extinguisher, if you ask me.

A goat:

A mosaic from the floor of the bathhouse at the temple complex in Garni.

Garni has a famous temple. It once had a bathhouse, but the Soviets destroyed the remaining bathhouses in Armenia. There are no bathhouses in Armenia such as those found in Tbilisi or the hamams found in Azerbaijan. If you want to bathe in Armenia, you must do so in the privacy of your own home.

Bas relief of a pomegranate:

They do love pomegranates in Armenia.

Here is a room filled with Armenian Apostolic Church iconography.

The Armenian Apostolic Church is a distinct branch of Christianity. It even has its own "quarter" in the Old City Jerusalem, which has the Christian Quarter (shared by the Catholics and the Orthodox), the Jewish Quarter, the Islam Quarter, and the Armenian Quarter.

 

And here are the wine grapes, in bas relief form.

The museum collection ends with the Ottoman Turk invasion of Anatolia around 1500. There is no Armenian history on display after that point because the most recent 500 years of Armenian history, including the massive loss of territory (including sacred Mount Ararat) to the Turks, as well as the Soviet era, is AWOL. It's under renovation. Move along. Nothing to see.

And speaking of under renovation. The fountains that were so beautiful last night? Dry as a Baptist County in the State of Georgia.

They are shut down every Tuesday morning for a massive cleaning. They should be working tomorrow.

Then it was off to the Vernissage Market.

There a huge number of stalls selling jewelry, carpets, and chess sets -- lots of chess sets -- chess is the national sport -- schoolchildren are required to study chess for a few years -- primarily to the tourist market and when I say tourist market, I mean the Russian tourist market. Russians make up by far the largest segment of tourists to Armenia, especially now that Russians have great difficulty traveling west to Europe.

This being Armenia, the land where you're made to feel not very welcome, you can walk past the stalls and no one bothers you. You can walk into the shops (most of the merchandise is sold from stalls, but there are some stand-alone stores) and you will not be bothered. If you hate being immediately accosted by a salesperson the moment you are within 50 feet of a store, then, perhaps, an Armenian vacation is right for you.

At the end of the Vernissage market is the Vardan Mamikonyan Statue. Posed in front of a Soviet style apartment building. Of which there are many in an otherwise architecturally-interesting Armenian capital city. As I said, whatever criticism I may have of Armenian, none of it is directed to the magnificent landscapes and beautiful architecture I am seeing.